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That was a cracking partnership between Billings and Morgan: 96 in 14.1 overs on a pitch where most batsmen struggled to score fluently.

27.5 overs: England 174-4 (Billings 67, Morgan 36) Eoin Morgan swipes Simi Singh for a majestic straight six to complete a comfortable victory for England. He finishes on 36 not out from 40 balls, Billings on 67 not out from 54.

27th over: England 165-4 (Billings 64, Morgan 30) Billings drives Delany down the ground for a couple, with the sprawling Tector doing extremely well to save the boundary, and then pulls a long hop for four to bring up his highest ODI score. It’s been a very watchable innings.

26th over: England 157-4 (Billings 57, Morgan 29) Four more to Billings, clipped confidently through midwicket off Young. Then Morgan, who always seems to bat well against Ireland, dumps Young into the stand at fine leg. I don’t think he’s a sentimental man.

25th over: England 145-4 (Billings 52, Morgan 22) Gareth Delany comes on to bowl a bit of legspin. He lands them well enough in his first over, and Morgan and Billings settle for four singles.

“Scream, partially hidden bodies Prodigy lyrics … ?” begins Ian Copestake. “For the love of Blue Peter, can we please leave 1994 to 1996 alone.”

Hang on, I mentioned Succession earlier. I know my rights.

“Rob,” says John Starbuck. “In response to demand, the OBO cheesecake recipe has been developed by Mrs Starbuck from a lime or lemon cheesecake recipe for 16. We aim for serving 8 so amounts are approximate and can be varied to taste.

Ingredients

1 mango or similar amount of other fruit;

125g ginger biscuits (normal ginger nuts are OK but Granny Wild’s give an extra boost); 63g unsalted butter;

300g cream cheese (marscapone); 150ml double cream; 2 sheets gelatine; 50g icing sugar or caster sugar;

Finely chopped stem ginger; Zest of lemon or lime.

Method

1. Whizz the biscuits in electric mixer OR put them into a bag and bash them with a rolling pin or small cricket bat.
2. Melt the butter and mix it into the crumbled biscuits.
3. Press this base into a cake-tin of about 10cm (ideally with removable base). Do this firmly.
4. Chill this in the fridge until needed.
5. Beat the cream cheese, adding lime or lemon zest and place it in a bowl.
6. Add 150ml of double cream to the cream cheese mix, along with stem ginger and icing sugar.
7. Whip it all into soft peaks, using an electric mixer if possible or elbow grease if not.
8. Take the cake-tin from the fridge and spread the resultant mixture onto the base, firming it into no air pockets.
9. Replace in the fridge and leave overnight.
10. Next morning, take the mango, skin it puree it.
11. Put it into a saucepan of water, plus a little liqueur. aiming for about half a pint (adjust to suit).
12. Stir this and add icing sugar, on a low heat until sugar is dissolved (5 minutes or so).
13. Simmer gelatine in saucepan of water until dissolved and strain it into a jug, then add it to the fruit mixture.
14. Remove cake-tin from fridge and pour the mixture onto it, then back to the fridge to set in 4 hours.
15. Remove from fridge exceedingly carefully and try to remove it from the tin, slice and serve. Eat with spoons.
16. Repeat until you get it right.”

24th over: England 141-4 (Billings 50, Morgan 20) Billings pulls Young emphatically for four to reach a stylish half-century from only 41 balls. It’s his third fifty in his 16th ODI, and his first since 2017.

23rd over: England 137-4 (Billings 46, Morgan 20) Billings isn’t the only batsman in a hurry. Morgan smears McBrine to cow corner for a one-bounce four and then sweeps the next delivery to the boundary. These two tend to bat well together, though it doesn’t happen as often as Billings would like.

22nd over: England 128-4 (Billings 45, Morgan 12) Billings clearly wants to be back in his hotel room in time to watch Escape to the Chateau: Make Do and Mend. He takes consecutive boundaries off Campher with a flick behind square and a muscular cut stroke, and then keeps the strike with a single off the penultimate delivery. England need 45 to win from 28 overs.

21st over: England 119-4 (Billings 36, Morgan 12) McBrine returns in place of Singh, whose three overs went for 14. Morgan comes to the reverse sweep party with a wristy clout that just clears backward point and runs away for four. It’s been a good effort from Ireland but England are cruising now. They need 54 to win.

“Bob,” says Mac Millings. “Regarding your 12th-over entry, do you like it when I call you Bob, Bob?”

Why do I suddenly feel like I’m in the opening scene of Scream?

20th over: England 109-4 (Billings 32, Morgan 7) Billings carries on breezily, pulling and driving Campher for two boundaries in three balls. He looks in triffic touch and should be eyeing his highest ODI score, that series-winning 62 in Bangladesh all those years ago.

19th over: England 100-4 (Billings 23, Morgan 7) Billings pings a lovely reverse sweep for four off Singh, a shot of such ease and class that he does it again two balls later. What we’re dealing with here is a total lack of respect for the MCC Coaching Manual.

“Sure, mango is ‘ok’ I guess,” writes

Livia Soprano
Matt Dony, “and it means a decent-sized slice counts as one of your five a day, but I’m just going to put ‘Baked Baileys Cheesecake’ out there. Plain digestive base; it doesn’t need any extra flavouring or texture. And a heavy hand when you pour in the Baileys. Excuse me, I’m just going to go and spend some time in the kitchen…”

18th over: England 90-4 (Billings 14, Morgan 7) Morgan heaves a short ball from Campher into the leg side for a single. Ireland have done really well to make a game of this; when they slipped to 28 for five I thought we’d be finished in time for Pointless.

17th over: England 88-4 (Billings 14, Morgan 6) “Scenes, Mr Smyth, pure scenes!” says Abhijato Sensarma. “I reckon Morgan will put an end to this nonsense by playing with the cool head he is famed for. But you never know when you’re playing your first match in ages, that too in the middle of a pandemic. Strange things tend to happen!”

Yes, one of the interesting foibles of this all-conquering England side is their proud record of absurd and/or unlikely defeats.

16th over: England 85-4 (Billings 13, Morgan 5) Morgan fails to score off five consecutive deliveries from Campher. Sometimes I wonder whether Morgan uses dot balls to play mind games: hit the first ball for four, score two singles from the next 20 and then hit seven sixes in 12 balls.

15th over: England 83-4 (Billings 11, Morgan 4) Simi Singh replaces McBrine (6-0-28-1) at the Offspinners End. His first over is a quiet one, with just a single to Billings.

14th over: England 82-4 (Billings 10, Morgan 4) Eoin Morgan walks to the crease and guides his first ball past backward point for four.

“KP is irritating me by saying everything twice,” says Gary Naylor. “It’s so annoying to hear him repeat what he’s just said.”

The debutant Curtis Campher, who top scored with 59 not out, comes on to bowl some medium pace. He dismissed Banton in an under-19s match for South Africa a couple of years ago – and he’s done it again in big school! Banton top-edges a pull high in the air, and Lorcan Tucker takes a comfortable catch. Campher has a wicket with his fourth ball in international cricket.

13th over: England 77-3 (Banton 11, Billings 9) Banton gets his first boundary with a wristy sweep off McBrine. KP, on commentary, is good on why Banton needs to improve his rotation of the strike against spin, and how he can construct a typical over against a bowler like McBrine.

12th over: England 71-3 (Banton 6, Billings 8) Billings pulls consecutive deliveries from Young for four to move to eight from three balls. He has so much class that, even allowing for the stop-start nature of his England career, his modest record is pretty hard to fathom.

“Evening Rob,” says Alex Bramble. “Hope you’re enjoying the return of Morgan and the troops as much as I am. Huge fan of KP the player and there’s a lot to like about him on the mic. Just one (slightly pedantic point): his pronunciation of inningses is a bit sneaky little hobbitses, which is possibly where the similarities with Smeagollum end…”

One of the things I like about his commentary is the frequency with which he addresses Rob Key as “Bob”. It reminds me a bit of Blackadder and Captain Darling.

11th over: England 62-3 (Banton 5, Billings 0) Banton has started watchfully, especially against the spin of McBrine. That’s fair enough as the run-rate isn’t an issue. McBrine has half an appeal for LBW when Banton drags a sweep onto his pad and away for a couple of runs.

10th over: England 59-3 (Banton 2, Billings 0) Sam Billings is the new batsman. Eoin Morgan, the selfless git, has demoted himself from No4 to give the fringe batsmen a chance to play a longer innings.

Deja Vince. After playing some delightful strokes, James Vince falls in frustrating circumstances. He had a big drive at a tempting delivery from Young and edged it straight to the keeper. Vince goes for an ephemeral 25.

9th over: England 54-2 (Vince 21, Banton 1) Vince makes it four fours in five balls with a firm sweep off McBrine. He is such a beautiful batsman; he could make a flat-footed reverse hoick look elegant.

8th over: England 49-2 (Vince 17, Banton 0) High-class batting from James Vince, who hits Young for three boundaries in four balls: a drive through mid-off, a clip through midwicket an finally an effortless pull stroke.

7th over: England 37-2 (Vince 5, Banton 0) Banton gets two thirds of the way down the track before realising Vince has sent him back. He gets home comfortably but that’s another reflection of England’s scruffy start.

“We need more fracking information from John Starbuck,” says David Wall. “Does he use mango puree (like in the cans you can buy)? Cheesecake is the only cake worth spending time eating and my regular recipe is pretty good (as well as adaptable and forgiving). But my niece wants a mango cheesecake for her birthday so I’ve been thinking how best to do that. Personally I’m not so keen on fruit cheesecakes (too reminiscent of the Sara Lee freezer imposters) but even bad cheesecake is good.”

6th over: England 36-2 (Vince 4, Banton 0) The precocious Tom Banton is the new batsman.

Jason Roy can fuggoff himself! He has been trapped LBW after hitting Young’s two previous balls for four. It was a fine delivery that nipped back to hit the flap of the back pad, with Roy surprisingly slow to get his bat down. He knew it was out and walked straight off without discussing a review.

5th over: England 26-1 (Roy 16, Vince 3) After a slow start, Roy gets down on one knee to clout McBrine over midwicket for six. The last time I watched him bat, I hadn’t seen Succession. Now every time I think of his name I picture a man in a shawl cardigan telling me to fuggoff. On the plus side, at least there isn’t an England batsman named Walnuts.

“Mango and ginger biscuit cheesecake,” says Damian Clarke. “Could you let Mr Starbuck know that I just might be a little in love with him?”

4th over: England 14-1 (Roy 6, Vince 1) Vince scrambles to make his ground after being sent back by Roy. I think he would have been just home had Young’s throw hit the stumps, which it didn’t. It’s been a rusty start from the England batsmen, which I suppose is understandable in the circumstances.

3rd over: England 12-1 (Roy 5, Vince 0) “Hi Rob,” says Peter Rowntree. “Dave Willey showing he is still a force to be reckoned with in white ball cricket. Recalling his early career, he suffered horrendous injuries to his back and neck, making it almost inevitable that his body would never really stand up to the longer formats of the game. For all that, he is a very fine cricketer, and a very likeable young man.”

He sure is, and he accepted his omission from the World Cup squad with admirable dignity. He still played his part, I truly believe that, especially in the 2018 series against India. Had England lost that series, I don’t think they’d have won the World Cup.

Bairstow has gone! It hit him in line and was going on to hit leg stump.

2.5 overs: England 12-0 (Roy 5, Bairstow 2) The offspinner Andy McBrine comes on second change… in the third over. Bairstow survives a very good shout for LBW after pushing down the wrong line … but Ireland are going to review. He might be outside the line of off stump; if not, it’s plumb.

2nd over: England 11-0 (Roy 4, Bairstow 2) The sight of Roy and Bairstow means another airing for the stat that keeps on giving: of the 125 openers to score 1000 runs or more in ODIs, Roy and Bairstow have the highest strike-rates. Bairstow’s record as an opener is astonishing: average 51, strike-rate 110.

Craig Young shares the new ball with McCarthy (and Stirling). A loose delivery deflects for four leg-byes, and an LBW shout against Bairstow is caught in the throat because of an inside edge.

1st over: England 4-0 (Roy 3, Bairstow 0) Roy bagged a first-baller for the Lions against Ireland the other day. He almost makes it back-to-back golden ducks when he misses a big drive at McCarthy’s first ball, and then gets off the mark with a sliced drive past backward point for two. It was a no-ball as well, called by the third umpire under the new system. It also means a free hit, but Roy can only mow it to midwicket.

No-balls are the least of Ireland’s worries. McCarthy has injured himself and is leaving the field after only five deliveries. Paul Stirling bowls the last ball of the over.

“Hi Rob,” says John Starbuck. “Tell us: do you like cheesecake? If so, I recommend a form developed by this household. Use mango as your fruit and ginger biscuits as your base. It takes a few practice runs to get it just right but is really toothsome.”

I don’t, I’m afraid: I have what might generously be described as a confused palate. But I’m sure plenty of our readers do, so thanks for the tip!

The players are back out on the field. Barry McCarthy will open the bowling to Jason Roy.

Thanks Simon, evening everyone. So far the match has been predictably one-sided, but there have been some nice individual stories: Gareth Delany’s eyecatching cameo, Curtis Campher’s unbeaten 59 on debut and David Willey’s maiden five-for in his first ODI since May 2019. It will take another – a Barry McCarthy five-for, perhaps – if Ireland are to turn this into a contest.

Right then, I’m off. Rob Smyth will take you through England’s response. Please send your thoughts to him here. Bye!

44.4 overs: Ireland 172 all out (Campher 59*) Campher comes down the track and miscues his shot, which drops just beyond the reach of Morgan at cover! Then Young hoists one way into the late afternoon sky, but just beyond Roy as he runs back from mid-off! And then he miscues again, and this one forces Roy to dive forwards but he completes the catch and ends the innings! It’s also Willey’s first ODI five-fer!

44th over: Ireland 168-9 (Campher 58, Young 9) Young gets a leading edge that goes just beyond the grasping left arm of the bowler and away for four. A little later Campher has a royal heave and the ball skims straight past him and just wide of off stump!

43rd over: Ireland 160-9 (Campher 57, Young 3) “Watching the MLB these last few days demonstrates how hard baseballers throw the ball deploying (it seems) two techniques – one for the infield and another for the outfield,” writes Gary Naylor. “All these coaches, but players still throw like they did in schoolboy cricket.” This is interesting, and would probably be even more interesting if I ever watched baseball. I remember reading about Fred Spofforth being able to throw a fresh egg 50 yards in such a fashion that it wouldn’t break upon landing, and thinking that some nuances of throwing have been lost somewhere, beyond mere pace and distance.

42nd over: Ireland 157-9 (Campher 56, Young 1) A single off the last keeps Young on strike and denies Mahmood a wicket maiden.

Barry McCarthy sends the ball soaring in a delicious arc straight into the pouch of Vince at deep square leg!

41st over: Ireland 155-8 (Campher 56, McCarthy 3) Willey, having laid waste to the top order, comes back to wrap things up. Nothing is wrapped, nor is any waste laid.

40th over: Ireland 152-8 (Campher 55, McCarthy 2) Into the final 10 overs we rip. For a long time it didn’t look like Ireland would make it this far, but Campher’s 111-ball (and counting) 55 has ensured they will have at least something to celebrate.